Couples therapy often treats partners like siblings — everyone gets what they want except when they trade it away in a “compromise,” then get taught a therapist’s view of what is fair. My work is different. I am interested in something more natural, dynamic, and alive than a contract both of you are policed by.
You · Your partner · The relationship
In every couple there are three entities that need separate attention and make separate demands — just as with children, a home, or hosting people you love. One partner, the other partner, and the relationship itself each have distinct needs, each have ways they work whether we like it or not, and each require attention and security. How we treat that “third” — the relationship — is essential to mutual respect between partners.
When the relationship is tended as a living third, partners can share a life without disappearing into each other. That is the container the rest of the work depends on.
Not just the words. The micro-shifts. The way one body flinches before the other finishes the sentence. Couples uniquely share physical space, touch, and connection — which is why partners can so deeply affect each other’s sense of safety, passion, and heart.
This is why talking alone will not affect enough of the connection partners share. Sharing is always dynamic; rules are not. Trust and safety are the container for collaborative creating inside any relationship.
In the room we work somatically too — with instinct, posture, breath, and the body’s trained alert system — so connection can be felt, not only explained. The body is the highway by which relationship packages move between you. An unavailable body halts support for yourselves and from yourselves to each other.
Every couple has a dance. The steps are mostly automatic. The point isn't to stop the dance. It's to know enough of both of our steps to have a dance you both want in a way that works for both. Do not mistake getting what we want from the world with what we want in relationship. There is not enough of the material world to go around (time, for example) — but there is enough in relationship. The black-and-white thinking that there is not enough is one of the greatest signs of insecure attachment.
The goal isn't a relationship without activation — that is where needs are found. The goal is to be responsive enough with our partners that security with those needs becomes the trust that strengthens us.
My goal with attachment — and this is different than most therapists I meet — is to find security and healthier attachment with our relationship, not only with our partner. This sentiment may already mean something to you. If it does not, come and see me. It is deeply important.
These come up often. If you have something else on your mind, ask when you reach out.
A conversation to talk about where you are and whether this work might fit. No commitment required.
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